Put your money where your mouth is! Bookies taking bets on which part of May fails next

LCD Views can report this morning that a woman now only held together by spit, glue and fear is to continue disintegrating before our eyes.

“I expect a limb to fall off when she next enters the House of Commons to speak,” our political analyst muses, “her voice is already gone. She had to use a Gove hand puppet and ventriloquism yesterday.”

And exactly which part of the Murdoch puppet, which is coming apart at the seams, will fail next is where the hot speculation is.

“Ladbrokes are offering 7/4 on a finger falling off. 8/5 for a toe popping off as she stumbles into the chamber. William Hill will give you 25/1 for both eyes popping out of her head simultaneously the next time Jess Phillips gives her a verbal. It’s exciting times for political betting! I can tell you that.”

But it’s not just traditional bookmakers who are getting in on it?

“Oh no. Farage is running an allegedly illegal book as a subsidiary of some insurance company in Gibraltar with a mate, it’s alleged anyway, but I wouldn’t say it’s in anyway proven. Anyway, Dodgy Nige’s Betting Shop will give you 2/1 on a fascist doing something to make her ears melt. But I’d steer well away from them and stick to the traditional shops.”

So where would you suggest putting a sneaky fiver?

“I’d take the Paddy Power 10/1 on a little door popping open in the back of her head and a spring coming out with some electrical sparks. They’ve said they’ll pay out half odds if only the door pops, or sparks start fizzing from anywhere above her shoulders. It’s a tidy little bet.”

One thing is certain, as the pressure mounts, as the failure increases and the clock winds down in the final furlongs of March, all bets are off for the Maybot. We mean, really on the nose.

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