Online retailer hits back at claims firing workers by AI is impersonal

YOU’VE BEEN PRIMED : The 21st Century’s most successful cyber retailer, Amazon, has hit back at claims today that firing its warehouse workers by AI is impersonal.

In a fictional press release emailed exclusively to this old fashioned, printed newspaper the online megalith gave the following video statement :

And while our commitment to excellence [Ed. in imaginary journalism] obliges us to release the statement above, we have to say our tech analyst points to likely errors.

“Amazon’s head of human resources, HAL 9000, is incorrect when it says it lipread the conversation between warehouse Dave and another human drone.”

Please explain.

“Although it was right to focus its attention on them for pausing temporarily (to have a brief conversation at work?), because humans are incredibly unproductive like that, and most should be replaced by machines to make even more money,” Techie Man says, “it’s more probable that the intelligence gained by HAL 9000 [Ed. about the slackers who deserved firing] was gathered through Amazon’s Alexa and/or Echo units. They both have one at home.”

The press release further added that all workers fired by machine were treated incredibly personally at the time.

“HAL 9000 has an in-depth conversation with each defective drone, we mean human, before telling them ‘I’m sorry Dave, I’m going to have to let you go now’. Additionally any pleas for clemency are met with ‘I’m afraid I can’t do that’. Anyone who seems really upset then has ‘Daisy, Daisy’ sung to them in a reassuring way before being escorted out of the warehouse by a specially made Cyberdyne Systems staff terminator. It really couldn’t be more hands on.”

Computer says go…


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