I have the skills needed to deliver Brexit, says Jeremy Kyle

Daytime TV’s chav baiter Jeremy Kyle suddenly has a lot of time on his hands. He has offered his services to the government, believing he has the ability to sort Brexit out.

Jeremy Kyle is just the latest in a long line of Jeremys desperate to fix broken Britain. Corbyn, Hunt, Paxman, Clarkson and now Kyle.

Kyle’s recently cancelled show displays the hallmark of his approach, he says. The show’s format is the blueprint for future negotiation strategy. Car crash TV means car crash politics.

“It’s simple,” explains Kyle to LCD’s Infotainment correspondent. “Put the two sides together in front of a half-cut audience, let them shout for a bit then straight to the polygraph. Pronounce judgement and sling them out. Job done!”

But will this work on tough nuts like the May and Barnier families?

“Naturally,” replied Kyle. “This is exactly how it will be. The show, I mean the negotiation, will be called ‘You stole my democracy!’. May will screech about betrayal and will of the people, and Barnier will deny everything, and sit there impassively. May will go for a lie detector test and we will go for a short break.”

So. A cup of tea and a biscuit, and back to the negotiating table.

“Before the results of the lie detector test, there will be a little segment on another theme,” said Kyle. “For example, ‘Donald Trump: demon or dunce?’. Then the results come in. Probably they will all be lying through their expensive teeth, so I will give them a blistering homily on the importance of good manners and send them all packing. Sorted.”

And nobody will die this time?

“Only their dreams and fantasies,” said Kyle. “Truth and delusion, that’s what drives my show, I mean negotiations.”

The Jeremy Kyle Brexit will be transmitted every bloody day until somebody has the guts to behave like a grown-up.

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