TOXIC SHIELD : The EU has responded to reports that the Conservative Party is to spend the majority of the Article 50 extension period, granted the UK, by indulging in the rough self-pleasuring of a Tory leadership contest (that they won’t even joy).
“It’s clear that the United Kingdom is unable, or perhaps simply unwilling, to take sufficient measures to confine the toxicity resulting from the meltdown of the primary democratic reactor, following the decision to test a populist nuclear bomb on themselves in June 2016,” Donald Tusk said, looking just tired now, at a press conference in Brussels today,
“as a result of this the EU is prepared to fund a containment shelter over Westminster, on the same design as the New Safe Confinement shelter constructed over Chernobyl. This should sufficiently contain the fallout, so long as we shove Nigel Farage and several other prize tools inside before we weld the only door shut after construction.”
The design for the shield will have some modifications to the one used over Chernobyl, as it will also contain enough beds to accommodate both the surviving Conservative Party membership, UKIP’s surviving supporters and any unreformed Lexiters who still haven’t realised there’s a little bit different in the world today from the 1970’s.
“Who the people of the UK decide to place inside, with ration packs to last the terms of their natural lives, should perhaps be decided by public vote, but we will leave that for the people to decide.”
How the UK will be governed once the Palace of Westminster is sealed in perpetuity has also been considered.
“A lot better I suspect,” Tusk smiled, “we will be sure to keep the MPs who have stood against the lies and populism on the outside. They can be re-homed in a new parliament in the north of England. This can be the seed of democratic renewal.”
But what if the UK government refuses to cooperate?
“What government? Seriously. You have no functioning government. Any opposition will easily be overcome by the EU’s new army, which has only been put together to crush the United Kingdom, just ask any supporter of the Brexit Party.”
Construction of the NSC is expected to begin in the summer, just as soon as the Tories begin rending themselves to shreds and Labour falls asleep on its fencepost waiting for everyone else to break all the eggs for them.