Tories aim to build on their local election performance by losing all of their MEPs

The Tories have finally, and reluctantly, joined the race to the EU election. They are so reluctant to run, that they have forgotten their running shoes, and left their kit behind on the big red bus.

Naturally, some are trying to spin this as a positive. “We only lost 1300 seats in the local elections!” gushed activist Rab Idwright-Winger. “We will lose far fewer in the forthcoming EU election.”

This is undoubtedly true. There are only 18 Tory MEPs, and the challenge is for all of them to lose their seat.

Idwright-Winger had some insight into this challenge. “There’s no chance of winning,” he admitted. “Since we have only just conceded that there will have to be an election. This is the fault of Labour for failing to capitulate to our demands to get Brexit sorted this week.”

Meanwhile the Brexit Party is in pole position, leading poll after poll. “Farage’s mob are the only ones still promising a unicorn for every family,” grumbled Idwright-Winger. “People are still falling for it, which is why we haven’t ditched Brexit, nor will we ever until power is wrenched from our cold, dead hands. The Brexit Party is a personality cult, and Farage himself is a complete cult!”

We may not have heard that last word correctly.

What do The People say? Do they want Tory MEPs or not? “I couldn’t give a toss,” said one of The People, Manny Zaniland. “Every man is an island, which sounds good but I haven’t got a clue what it means. I just want my unicorn, and I’m prepared to get very cross about it indeed coz foreigners.”

Interesting analysis there.

So it looks like the Conservative Unionist Nazi Tendency party is going to lose out to the real Nazis. They are letting Farage in by the back door, which must be a pain in the arse.

People of the UK, vote with your feet. No, actually, use the little pencil on a string.

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