We don’t need the EU in order to thrash the Aussies, says Geoffrey Boycott

England’s premier cricketing curmudgeon is making political points again. Eleven proud Englishmen have beaten eleven sorry descendants of criminals in an utterly pointless game. No thanks to the EU, says Boycs.

“We won two world wars and are on the verge of another world cup!” gushed Sir Geoffrey. “We thrashed t’ruddy Aussies with nothing more than our wits, the Dunkirk Spirit and a stick of rhubarb! t’EU has been no bloody help at all. It’s home grown English talent that’s done it. Roll on Brexit and we’ll win t’Ashes every bloody year!”

For the sake of balance, LCD Views’ Jolly Good Sports correspondent spoke to a rather less strident lady, May Danover, who watches cricket on the telly sometimes.

“I got into cricket a long time ago,” reminisced Danover. “I heard the commentator on Test Match Special say, ‘the bowler’s Holding, the batsman’s Willey’. Naturally this got my attention. I watched for years before I realised that there was no sexual element at all. I still get a thrill when they start polishing their balls, though.”

So why do you still watch the game?

“It’s the sheer joy of leather thwacking willow,” she said. “The raised bat, the smooth strokes, and balls flying everywhere. I love it when a man stays in for a long time. It’s disappointing when he gets out too soon!”

We asked Danover what she thought of Sir Geoffrey’s comments.

“Freedom of movement gave England their captain,” she explained. “Eoin Morgan is Irish. If Brexit happens, he won’t be playing again.”

Are there other possible side effects?

“Oh yes,” said Danover. “The squad contains a number of British born Asians, and a naturalised West Indian. None of them would be eligible to play again. The Brexit Police would kick out anyone with a name like Adil or Jofra, no matter how many Australian helmets they knocked off.”

And with that, she went off to find out whether Michael Holding and Peter Willey were still good friends.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *