IT’S ALL IN HIS HEAD : That old stalwart of British political comedy, David Davis, splashed back onto the country’s screens last night as he delved deep into the wrinkles of his mind to tell how he pulled a prank on the boring, detail obsessed people in Europe.
“I took inspiration from British military history,” Davis related, “and my own training in the SAS. You know I can kill a man with my bare hands? But I prefer to just confuse them to death instead. That’s risky. You have to be careful not to terminally confuse yourself in the process.”
The history he referred to was the famous WW2 Operation Mincemeat by which allied military intelligence tricked the enemy into believing we were doing what we weren’t.
“Of course we didn’t need the intelligence this time,” Davis advised, “that would just have confused us. No. I just used my own brain. It’s often bandied about that I’m thick as mince, well, I proved that and took the EU for one hell of a ride.”
The central deception appears to have been fooling the EU into thinking the UK’s government, and Brexit pushers like David Davis, actually had a plan.
“You don’t need a plan when all you’re planning to do is crash your economy,” Davis smiled, “smash and grab. It was all going really well. I can’t remember which MP it was that declared we should immediately trigger Article 50 on the 24th June 2016, but that would have ensured Operation : Thick as minced meat was a slam dunk. Failing to act when we had the wind at our backs, not failing to plan, that was where it went wrong.”
Still, it’s not a total loss. With the pound trading near parity to the Euro and expected to reach similar levels with the dollar by the end of the year, it’s all still to play for if you’ve hoarded money offshore for years.
“We’re still fooling the EU today,” Davis grinned, “even now people are assuming that Boris Johnson has some plan. Ha! Operation : Thick as minced meat is alive and kicking and the EU haven’t got a clue as to what we’re going to do about Brexit now. Which makes two of us!”