May’s Tantric Brexit superceded by Johnson’s Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am Brexit

In, out, put the kettle on. That’s Brexit, Boris style. Enough of May’s deferred gratification, Johnson wants a quickie followed by a nice cup of tea.

Johnson is relying on his effervescent charm in order to get his wicked way. “I know how to talk to those European Johnnies,” he said, on his way to his seaside hols in Margate. “Buono estente, sminki pinki, Chris Waddle, Brexito rapido, give us a squeeze Louise, ethethetheth bang bang, Boutros Boutros Ghali!”

One cannot but be impressed by his total grasp of both the facts and the foreign language. Why Margate?

‘Scorchio!” he said happily.

Isn’t Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am a bit one sided?

“No, no, not at all,” replied Boris. “You know, it’s like the time when I… wibble wibble… and there was a donkey in the room!… fibble fabble… an incredible amount of cheese…wiff waff… I’m afraid I was very, very drunk.”

None of this fits together very well, but somehow it makes a coherent whole.

“It’s like a great piece of music!” crooned Boris. “Political jazz! The ebbs and the flows, the highs and the lows. Javid at the Treasury, Patel at Home, and Clam on bass. Nice!”

This is a complete contrast from May’s softly softly approach, isn’t it?

“Brexit is a lot like making love to a beautiful woman,” replied Johnson. “Lie back and think of Brussels, I say. You go in hard, get the dirty work done as quickly as possible, and pull out the moment you’re finished.”

In other words, spaff everywhere, and leave someone else to clear up the mess?

“In’t Brexit brilliant!” he replied.

Before you leave, could you sum up your first week as Prime Minister for us?

Boris paused thoughtfully, then said, “This week, I have been mostly spaffing money up the wall!”

Wham Bam Thank You Ma’am? Ooo! Suit you sir!

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