New Trade Secretary and all-round foxy lady, Liz Truss, has revealed her first big success. Foxy’s successor says there is a small initial hit to take, before massive benefits flow into the UK.
“I have to send my Nigerian contact all the secret codes for the Bank of England,” Truss explains. “And an initial payment of £2.1bn. Then trade will flow, and the UK will be rich again! I asked Sajid Javid, and he says it’s ok!”
LCD Views’ WTF?! correspondent asked Truss if she was sure the deal was genuine.
“Ooo yes, of course!” wittered Truss. “I got the email on my very first day in the job! I asked Liam Fox to have a look at it, because he’s a doctor so he’s quite clever. He wasn’t sure, but I think he’s just upset after I got his old job!”
What convinced you that it really was from a Nigerian prince?
“It had one of those untraceable email addresses,” she exclaimed. “Just like our royal family! And there were some cute spelling mistakes too. He’s Nigerian, after all, his English probably isn’t that good. Bless!”
Truss was also bursting to tell us another piece of great news.
“I’m absolutely bursting!” she gushed. “Like when you need a wee, but in a good way! I’ve struck a deal with Nambia to supply all our covfefe! Brilliant, yeah? This will commence as soon as we find out what the hell covfefe is and what it’s good for!”
And what about your idea to create ten free ports, with all the risks of tax avoidance and money laundering?
“Oh, that’s just a front,” she said. “We are planning to build a wall around the money, and make The People pay for it!”
Truss is already an extremely busy woman. So busy, in fact, that she has taken on a special advisor: none other than that walking success story, Chris Grayling.