Worthing beach closed after man seen disposing of hazardous material

Life’s a beach! Summer holidays have been cut short because a suspicious individual left even more suspicious stuff on the shore.

Families in Worthing are at their wits’ ends. “There’s no way I can keep the kids out of the arcades now,” complained mum Enda Matether. “It’s hard enough to persuade them to have another donkey ride without rumours of dodgy characters on the front!”

The dodgy character is described as being male, blond, and distinctly upper class. He is believed to have left a lethal substance half buried in the sand.

Local police have been investigating. “Evening all,” remarked PC Gonmadd, waving his truncheon suggestively. “The beach is out of bounds until further notice. There’s some nasty stuff down there, and I don’t mean the donkey poo!”

The noxious fumes emanating from the beach have already had an impact on the town. The smell has driven away all the eastern European plumbers and barmaids. There is an unpleasant odour of smog and rationing. Parts of Worthing have turned black-and-white. It’s like a return to the 1950s, though how you can tell in Worthing is hard to say.

Things have become so bad that the holidaymakers of Worthing are considering bringing in an expert.

“I mean, the police are stretched to breaking point already,” moaned Matether. “Several keyboard warriors, three have a go heroes and a retired colonel have all tried to tackle it. All are convinced that they have what it takes.”

“It was no good,” said Gonmadd. “The warriors returned, white-faced, whispering ‘project fear’. The heroes proposed a technological solution, and the colonel declared it was all for the best. But none of them could shift it!”

Meanwhile, the blond saboteur left a trail of innuendo and seaside postcards. “He was in and out of my back door in a flash,” reminisced landlady Holly Day-Romance. “I said, do you come here often? He said, no, but I’d love to come again!”

Anyone wishing to stop this nonsense should apply, in their best copperplate handwriting, to the Queen, Buckingham Palace, London.

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