COMPASSIONATE CONSERVATISM : The Tory think tank of Irritable Duncan Syndrome have hit another home run today by working out what to do with poor people who want to eat when they’re elderly.
“Don’t pay them till they’re dead,” IDS proudly said, while rubbing wax made from the fat of virgins on his head, “and they have to collect the pension in person or they don’t get it.”
The deeper thinking behind the move is believed to be the continuation of a seriously knotty problem.
“It’s fatter tax havens or poor people being able to enjoy a retirement?” IDS shrugged, “it’s a no brainer.”
IDS is of course famous for the invention of ‘Universal Credit’. A revolution in welfare for which he was awarded the ‘Nosferatu Award for Sucking the Life Out of People’. With the suggestion of raising the pension age to a point post mortem he looks like receiving more plaudits.
LCD Views would like to commend the work of men like IDS. To compensate for his (presumed) private awareness of deep inadequacy, and the twin to that of knowing he only achieved status through a wealthy chumocracy, by punishing poor people with Victorianesque policy, he can rest easy at night believing he’s achieved something all his own.
It’s also an impressive way to repay working class people who bizarrely keep voting for these moral voids and handing them power.
“We’re essentially trolling working class Brexiters,” IDS smirked, “by impoverishing the state via support for the hard right tax dodger’s con of Brexit they have brought this all on themselves. It’s quite a hoot.”
But anyone concerned they won’t enjoy a pension due to declining life expectancy in the post Brexit UK reality, is reminded to take comfort with the knowledge that as they toil through their autumn years, IDS will be sat back, inherited money overflowing, knowing he’s done his bit to improve your character by forcing you to work hard, until you’re dead.