Boris Johnson to beat a BMW with a tree branch while visiting Angela Merkel

MAKE BRITAIN GRATE AGAIN : Boris Johnson is to take the fight to the heart of the EU today when he visits Angela Merkel in Germany to demand things he knows she can’t concede.

“He’s going to garble some German and grin like he’s had a lobotomy, but retained the ability to speak incoherently all the same in Eton.” an aide, travelling with the last PM of Britannia, told LCD Views.

“He’s also going to mention the war. But only once, as that’s as much as we think he can get away with.”

But after the initial pleasantries events are expected to take a dramatic turn as Boris the showman comes forth to startle his buttoned up hosts.

“They’ll be doing a walk about of a BMW showroom for the press,” the aide reveals, “and that’s when Boris will let loose with a tree branch to show he’s serious about devastating Britain with a No Deal Brexit.”

While the performance will certainly do much to underscore the evaluation of British sanity held by the leaders of the EU27, it has already caused a ripple of scandal at home.

“He’s sourced the big stick from the Black Forest,” the aide reveals, “that’s because he wants it to be a surprise. He can’t just travel on the Eurostar with a tree branch and expect to shock the Germans. That would be insane!”

It’s thought the beating of the BMW with the tree branch will serve as a warning to the German automakers too.

“They’re taking their own sweet time before saving us from Brexit,” the aide frowned, “but after they see Boris walking loudly and carrying a big stick, they’ll know exactly what they have to do about the future of their investments in Blighty.”

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