Boris Johnson appoints rescue dog as new Scottish Tory leader

DOG WHISTLING IN THE WIND : Boris Johnson has moved to firm up his not insignificant Scottish support today with the appointment of a new Conservative and Unionist Party leader north of Hadrian’s Wall.

“We’ve gone canine,” a Downing Street source advised LCD Views, “having an actual human up there didn’t work out so well. We’ve gone back to traditional governance of the Caledonian colony.”

The dog, who will be named soon by polling English Tories, has come pre-loaded with a load of useful tricks and skills.

“It isn’t exactly a rescue, in the strictest sense of the word,” the source disclosed, “it was actually owned by the friend of a friend of a fan of Nigel Farage. He called it Foorer (pronounced Fuh-rer), I think because he couldn’t spell the foreign word he was looking for. Still, to be re-homed from a kipper? It’s a rescue of sorts.”

The dog isn’t neutered, yet, but will be if it tries to shag Boris Johnson’s leg.

But what of the pre-loaded skills?

“It absolutely hates anyone who isn’t properly English,” the source grinned, “it’ll bring the Scots to heel soon enough. Oh, and it salivates when it hears dog whistle racism. It’s a perfect fit with the prime minister and his support base,

“Foorer will be giving a press conference soon and displaying the kind of swagger and menace needed to convince the Scots that unionism is still the way to Make England Great Again.”

LCD Views would like to commend Johnson and chums for the swift resolution of the Scottish problem, post Ruth Davidson, and trust Foorer (once renamed) can build on the work of keeping our union ever closer.

“The best thing about appointing a dog is Boris can lash out at it in temper, not that I am saying he would, and it’ll still be there begging for validation. Much better than that Davis woman who had too many ideas of her own. Here boy! Come on! Here’s a picture of a flag! Good boy!”

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