Boris Johnson to send manned mission to Pluto to rescue dog

LOOK UP IN THE SKY : British Prime Minister Boris Johnson has craftily redirected attention away from the all consuming bin fire that is his premiership and out into space.

“No one will be talking about how Boris and Dom are trying to run down the Brexit clock and crash out of the EU if they’re looking at the stars,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “they’ll also stop talking about the contradiction between claiming to want to turbo boost parliamentary sovereignty and silencing parliament. And cleverly, this way the only clock the people will be focused on is the big one counting down to blast off to Pluto. It’s genius. Even if it never happens.”

The mission has a familiar price tag too.

“£350m a week is all it will cost to get to the outer reaches of our solar system and rescue that famous dog,” the source said, “and that’s a lot of nurses, doctors, teachers and firemen right there. People will unite behind this moon shot. I mean dog shot.”

But critics of the mission to Pluto have criticised the language used by the Downing Street source.

“They are going to shoot the dog? A dog shot? Is that past tense? Is it even grammatically correct? Dog shot? And why aren’t we talking about the bridge to Ireland? Weren’t we building that yesterday? 35miles of bridge foundations across a dump of WW2 munitions? Is the space mission just a dead cat? Is that even a constellation? Dead Cat? Is it next to Scorpio? It’s almost as if creating confusion is a way of governance.”

But critics of the critics, across social media, have criticised the critics for not focusing on the real reason behind the mission to Pluto.

“Given that the initial plans for the spacecraft are composed of one yellowhammer, several folders full of civil disorder and a bag of cheap mobile phones with the sim cards snapped in two, I think everyone is missing the real reason for going to Pluto. It’s not about a dog. It’s about burying bad news.”

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