‪Government bows to pressure to release Brexit benefits planning document‬ – UNREDACTED

BROKENSPAMMER – 10 Downing Street has given ground again today on another of the multiple fronts it is fighting on. And this without a shot being fired.

Speaking exclusively to LCD Views a 10 Downing Street ‘source’ said that they would be releasing the Brexit benefits planning document and it would be completely unredacted.

“We’ve decided to give in and release the hefty tome before a Commons vote forces us to do so,” the source said, “it’s an attempt to get ahead of the game. We’re currently behind in the game 6-0, but probably about £350m – 0 if you consider the prime minister is believed to have lied to the Queen.”

But Tory MPs have been quick to quibble over the concession.

Human driftwood, Andrew Bridgen, MP for Whatthehell-were-youthinking-electingthis-plank on Wye, blasted his own executive’s decision.

“I didn’t die on the beaches of Hastings in 1066 just for the government to give in to political pressure from judges,” he frothed, “and besides, waiting for a Brexit benefit to appear is like Waiting for Godot, it’s half the fun of Brexit. The other half is currency speculation, so I hear.”

The government dismissed the internal critique though, going so far as to suggest that Mr Bridgen was a ‘fifth columnist’ planted by remoaners to ruin Brexit.

“For a start I don’t believe he really said it,” the source retorted, “he referenced Waiting for Godot correctly. That in itself suggests it was an impersonator. But secondly, like all Brexiters he didn’t fight in the Battle of Hastings in 1066, he was in the archery squad at Agincourt.”

Your copy of Brokenspammer, the Brexit Benefits planning document, will be mailed at great public expense shortly. Wait by the mail slot.

“It’ll land on the doorstep. It’s too fat a document to get through a mail slot,” the source added, “and the paper is edible too. Which is another Brexit benefit.”

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