Boris Johnson is standing up for Britain, but it’s all due to a helping hand behind the scenes. Tech assistant Jennifer Acuri is trying to ensure that the Priapic Minister gets the massive election he wants.
“Boris Johnson’s projection was rather weak,” reveals pollster Lee Ding-Question. “Acuri was brought in to firm up his key point, and to ensure he got maximum penetration.”
Electile dysfunction is not a problem normally associated with Bonking Boris, but his latest poll was disappointingly low.
It was at this point that Acuri stepped in. She gave a blow-by-blow account of how she relieved his electile frustrations.
“Tech support covers a multitude of sins,” she confessed to LCD Views’ Using A Work Laptop Like Damien Green correspondent. “But it involves getting to the root of the problem, massaging the figures, and providing a variety of openings to ensure that his poll became rock solid.”
The spunky Acuri clearly did a good job. “I did what Boris paid me to do,” she confirmed. “I’m the cat that got the cream!”
Acuri held more than one job down during her employment by Johnson. “I was used in a variety of positions,” she admitted. “We came together frequently. Boris gave me what I needed to get on with the job. I was able to extract what I needed from him, and now he’s flying high again!”
The election, when it arrives, looks like being a tight one. Who will best probe the depths of the public mood? And will it be a big anticlimax? More people than Boris will need tech support to prevent a massive flop. Blue pill, or blue screen of death?
Acuri has got Johnson’s Johnson where she wants it. Boris is proud and erect, as he prepares to conquer the electorate and boldly go where no man has gone before.
Strangely enough, the press are trying to make out that Acuri and Johnson had a sexual relationship.