JUST EAT IT : The EU has responded to the latest scat smeared crayon drawing “leaked” from 10 Downing Street by replacing Michel Barnier and his entire team with a child psychologist.
“We need to appoint a specialist now,” an EU source, close to the EU council, told LCD Views, “there’s been a dawning suspicion that just banning TV for days on end isn’t going to handle a case of this entrenched difficulty. We need someone able to identify and interact constructively with a broader range of psychologically based behaviour malfunctions. Michel is excellent at negotiating with adults, but I fear his skills don’t extend to reaching a level of understanding required when dealing with an entire country being governed by a poop fixated toddler.”
The move is also being taken on health and safety grounds.
“There is the constant threat from the UK side of biting. Human bites can be quite severe, even from one acting so infantile, especially if their dental health regime isn’t sufficient to clean the faeces they constantly regurgitate off their teeth. If one of our negotiators were to be bitten by Mr Johnson or his playmate, Short Cummings, it could be very difficult to still have play dates. So someone who can spot the warning signs and use either exclusion, or in a severe tantrum, appropriate restraining force is required.”
There has also been the suggestion from the EU that the voters of the UK should stop allowing grown, entitled men with the emotional maturity and impulse control of spoiled brats to govern them. But that has been dismissed as bullying.
Critics have also been quick to point out that the EU has the situation entirely wrong.
“It’s not a tantrum,” a specialist said, “it’s a senile country retreating into nostalgia, rather than face up to its reduction in power and adjust constructively. Which is a shame, because there could still be a vital role to be played in the broader family, drawing on the depth of experience and wisdom of the senior member, and validation and affection to come in return. Far preferable to this endless effing tantrum which is just demeaning and excruciating, being so public. Oh.”