MOVE ALONG PLEASE NOTHING TO SEE HERE : DEFRA junior minister, Harris Fulblewn Creton, MP for Window Steam, has chosen an idyllic Kent location for a late afternoon spot of dogging with his pet schnauzer Karperk. The outing is to prove No Deal Brexit won’t cause dogging queues in Kent. In spite of some reports in the newspapers.
“I’ve been here for a full hour and no one has complained about me walking Karperk, even though I have him on a leash,” Mr Creton told LCD Views, “which is encouraging. This area voted overwhelmingly to leave the EU in 2016. I’d expected it to be a bit touch and go if I hung around here for long. People might not like me taking a German breed of dog dogging. But so far it’s been plain sailing. Much as I expect No Deal Brexit will be as easy as eating a muffin in the countryside.”
But Mr Fulblewn Creton isn’t just taking Karperk for a normal walk.
“Language is a funny old thing,” he muses, as a car pulls close, slows down, but then rapidly drives away, “it’s always changing. When I was a boy walking your dog was called ‘going to see a man about a dog’. My father used to say it all the time. I was always confused though, as he never came home with a dog, just the one he took out with him? And he always smelt a bit sweaty. Feminine. Faintly of cheap perfume. Exercise does different things to different people of course. Biochemistry and all that jazz. Now it’s called dogging. But all you’re doing is engaging in a zesty, outdoors activity with man’s best friend. And you never know who you will meet.”
With the sun setting on the horizon Mr Creton paused, put his hands on his hips and brought his knees in tight. Next he did a pelvic thrust.
“It really drives me insane,” he commented, “my lower back. I have exercises I need to do. Like this.”
A 1978 white Ford Cortina entered the carpark, slowed down, and then crawled over to park alongside Mr Creton. The lady occupant was smoking and even with the window wound down a few inches, it wasn’t entirely clear who she was, or indeed, what she wanted.
“Oi, you’re my MP. Cretin?”
“Creton. It’s not a French name. Don’t worry. And my dog, he is a schnauzer but he was bred right here in Kent.”
“What are you doing hanging about this carpark? You looking to hold an intimate surgery with a constituent?” The question was asked in a tone that can only be described as sleazy.
“I’m here to prove that dogging won’t be a problem in Kent in the event of No Deal Brexit. We’re even going to place a billboard right here to prove it won’t cause any tailbacks.”
“And what will the billboard say?” she asked, winding the window down further, the better to tap ash off her cigarette.
“Dogging for Britain! It’s something everyone can be proud of.”
“You’re my sort of fellow. Fancy a lift?”
“How far are we going?” Mr Creton asked.
“Just to the other side of the carpark you turkey.”
And with that Mr Creton got inside and our intrepid reporters beat a hasty retreat.