RINSE AND REPEAT AND WIPE : The Government has hit back at reports of shortages of toilet paper, resulting from any No Deal Brexit, by saying the supplies are secure.
Under a special contingency plan, nicknamed by DExEU ministers as ‘Project Rear’, the Daily Mail, The Sun and The Express have been identified as viable sources of toilet paper.
“The Times and The Telegraph will clearly be reserved for Westminster and high income earners who vote Tory,” an aide to Brexit Secretary Stephen Barclay (still chuffed to be a minister of state, it doesn’t matter what for) told LCD Views, “while DWP will use completed UC appeal forms. Home Secretary Priti Patel has requested the tears of the poor for her personal use. We do not believe collection of those will be difficult, as there’s already a plentiful supply of those produced domestically. She will keep smiling, directly to camera, cup of tears held proudly.”
But fish and chip manufacturers have raised the alarm, demanding to know what they will use to wrap their goods in if all the tabloid newspapers are diverted to toilets?
“These concerns are completely exaggerated,” the DExEU aide said, “it’s not like there will still be a fishing industry post Brexit, so there won’t be fish and chip shops. People really need to stop with all this Project Fear nonsense. Project Rear has everything in both hands. And anyway, if there’s no Daily Mail available because someone on your street has the runs, you can just use your bidet and wash your fears away.”
Project Rear – get behind it and push!