EU set to grant “Protected Regional Produce” status to Boris Johnson

NO ONE ELSE WANTS A BAR OF IT : The EU27 leaders are due to meet later today to agree a special status for the UK regarding Boris Johnson.

“They’re going to granted Protected Regional Status to the UK because no one else in the EU wants to produce a Boris Johnson,” our Brussels correspondent confirms, “only Little England, a powerful and delusional region in the UK, will be able to produce one. And everyone is hoping that after recent years are digested, even they will only ever make one of them.”

But the move has drawn criticism across the EU. Numerous political figures, in particular populist shitbergs with shady sources of funding, have said any EU27 country should be allowed to manufacture a Johnson. Firm, floppy, soft, hard, spaff, or non-spaff, stick or non-stick, but certainly adulterous morally, politically and ethically.

“I think the outcry will only deepen the EU’s resolve,” our correspondent continues, “and they’re likely to add sub-categories, in an unusual move.”

If that happens it means that only Boris Johnson’s will be allowed to produce Big Red Buses out of empty wine crates, paint little faces on imaginary friends inside, and then festoon the whole thing in lies.

“It is the first time the powerful union, which in the past has protected such regional novelties as Cornish Pasties and fizzy wine, have actually made an individual the unique preserve of one region within a country, within the EU,” our Brussel’s reporter adds, “I expect Mr Johnson will be personally chuffed, any of his former wives and girlfriends relieved and the Daily Mail to run all week on it.”

Suggestions that the EU27 will also grant Protected Regional Produce status to Brexit have been dismissed.

“Do you really think, after watching the UK turn itself inside out, wrap itself around itself like a nest of vipers who think they’re actually spaghetti, and bite itself in the arse daily, while bashing its face against a brick wall for over three years that anyone else is going to want to produce a Brexit?”

Not likely.

“Indeed. A further decision over whether or not to protect a gelatinous mass of falsehoods which meets its end in a ditch on Halloween will be made on Friday, dependant on Mr Johnson’s activities after the 31st October 2019.”

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