Report into Russian interference will be released by 10 Downing Street once they get the font right

NOTHING TO SEE HERE : Concerns about foreign interference into UK elections, and perhaps even referendums, are set to be pushed into the long grass after 10 Downing Street announced it was ready to release the intelligence report.

“It was all a question of getting the format right,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “oh, and the font. If the font isn’t right people will have trouble with comprehension. Times New Roman? Clarendon? Well, the choices are endless. Some of them are very distracting. Imagine the trouble if we used Storybook? We’d never hear the end of it!”

But it’s not just the font that Downing Street are concerning themselves with, but also the format of the release.

“A big, fat, daunting report? Like one of those boring reports you get after a judge led public inquiry? People will nod off before they’ve finished the intro! So we’re going to shred the report first. This will give everyone an enriching experience when they read the report. You can even involve your kids in piecing the individual strands together. That will keep them busy for weeks! More so once we mix in a shredded copy of ‘War and Peace’.”

Of course critics of the delay to releasing the report, some in government have suggested until after the coming general election, have been dismissed as “handwringing, girly swots”.

“Some people need to get out more,” the source shrugged, “they wrap themselves into knots over distractions like who played tennis with who, for a massive cash donation. Who had dinner with who, for a massive cash donation. Who is laundering money via high end London property purchases? Such events are normal fundraising, especially when you’re taking money from the Russians.”

Whether or not US interference in UK democracy will be mentioned isn’t yet clear.

“I think you’ll get a clear and transparent answer to that from any of the ‘think tanks’ who regularly have representatives all over BBC news programmes,” the source said, “once they finish telling you that the failing NHS is the worst model for healthcare in the world, they’ll be prepared to offer you a good price on your home, if you’re over 55, to pay for your health care.

“But that’s nothing to do with Brexit and the realisation by US corporate interests that the greatest asset concentration in private hands in the UK is in home ownership of the over 55’s.”

I thought the report was concerned with the Russians?

“Well, it all can seem rather wrapped up together, Brexit, Putin, Americans billionaires. Funny old world. And to think we used to be against each other in the Cold War? And now we work together. The report should really be read as a testament to global cooperation.”

If we ever get to read it.

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