BIG GITS : The UK is celebrating being a modern winner today after news overnight (GMT – the only time that counts) that the country has resumed its now natural home at the top of the Global Idiocy Table.
“It’s a mixed blessing if I’m honest,” a Downing Street source commented, “well, I’m never honest, but you know what I mean. While it’s wonderful to be No. 1 in any international ranking, especially as we became the first official Idiocracy on the 24th June 2016, before the US Trumped us, there’s a concern it may not last very long.”
The concern centres on the likelihood that too many Republicans in the Senate will not allow the impeachment to succeed?
“Well there’s that. But there’s also Australia.”
What’s Australia got to do with anything? Are the Ashes on already? They’ve only just finished.
“No. It’s not cricket. But it does concern ashes.”
Nothing much is cricket at the moment. But what’s the ashes got to do with anything?
“It’s because Australia is in some sort of megablaze bushfire nightmare having re-elected a conservative government that doesn’t even know what climate is, let alone deny it. Plucky outsider that may seize the number one spot. Bloody Australians. Still so angry over all those convict jokes. Can’t they just let us have this without having to challenge it too?”
I think we’ll be okay. At least as far as heading up the Global Idiocy Table. Boris Johnson’s government is today going to promise to do everything in a mad fffing rush so it all goes tits up.
“And the Republicans are likely to vote to approve children in cages and keep Trump in office.”
That’s what we said.
“At least it shows I’m listening. And besides, even if they do remove Trump then we’ve got rapture Pence. He’ll probably kill us all.”
You realise this page is supposed to cheer people up?
“What? No one ever told me that.”
“That means I’m a winner, right?”
Aren’t we all now? Australia better get itself a big, blonde boofhead as PM if they really want to compete.