Freshly minted Chancellor Sajid Javid has reintroduced the doomed Brexit 50p. Its latest doom has also been revealed – the worthless metal will be transformed into a bell, to prevent melty mini megalomaniac Mark Francois from having yet another meltdown.
Javid, whom nobody refers to as ‘The Saj’, is, as is quite normal, unaware of this development. He is already looking forward to presenting one to Prime Suspect Minister Boris Johnson this week, and bonding over a celebratory hand shandy.
The coin is already virtually worthless, as 48% of retailers will refuse to accept it.
The scrap value of three million coins is significant though, so the metal is being recycled once again. This time to appease a bell-obsessed bell-end.
Plans leaked on the back of an envelope discarded in the House of Commons bar reveal that the bell will be hung in a newly built tower on the fourth plinth in Trafalgar Square. The workmanship will be 100% British. Polish, Lithuanian and Irish builders have been symbolically forbidden to help out. This is unless time runs out, in which case they will be brought in at great expense and deported again afterwards.
Preparations are going well. The British builders are waiting for a skip and have gone on an extended tea break.
Due to an administrative error, the wrong Royal Mint was contacted. Three million fragrant mint plants have been delivered, on time, to Mr Francois’ council house in Essex. His neighbours have already tried to smoke the leaves, meaning they can have a fag and a mint to conceal the smell at the same time.
The tower has acquired the name The Boris Tower, and the bell has been named Fifty Pence Fred.
It would be utterly negative, traitorous and unpatriotic to point out that a poor quality, high cost, and fundamentally useless project like this is a perfect metaphor for Brexit. So we won’t. Nothing to see here, move along now.