Shop like a patriot – All products sold in UK shops after 11pm Friday must have a Union Jack on packaging

PUT A UNION JACK ON THAT UNION JACK : 10 Downing Street has moved to clear up confusion over new laws for retailers with a press statement this afternoon.

Shortly before 1pm a Downing Street ‘source’ spoke to reporters from behind a screen and while wearing a face mask. But we can confirm, in spite of the flimsy attempts to remain anon, everyone knew who it was.

“From 11pm CET Friday, 31St January 2020, new laws will come into force in shops and on the British internet,” the statement went, “sale of all and every product, no matter how large or small, whether it’s the one item still domestically produced, or any of the various imported products, will be illegal unless a Union Jack in present on the packaging.”

And to be sure everyone was with it there were further details.

“Single items, such as apples and grapes, which may now and then be sold individually, must bear a sticker with a Union Jack on them. If the item is a banana, and thus potentially imported, it will also have to carry the sticker. The sticker itself, in such circumstances, must be British made and also have a Union Jack on it.”

The rules will also apply to imported German cars, French cheeses and Italian sparkling wines. This is because the British invented all these things and 10 Downing Street is determined to claim it.

“If British money is paying for it it needs to add the sense of national unity engendered by Brexit by having a British flag on it.”

Once the new rules have been successfully applied in shops and everyone is feeling exceptionally patriotic, and showing it, the rules will extend to other areas of public life.

“Public transport will have Union Jacks on the buses. NHS doctors will be required to stick a Union Jack plaster across sutures and all music broadcast or played in the UK will soon have to carry a sample on the track which will be simply worded so as not to interrupt. The wording will be ‘Union Jack’.”

LCD Views has already noted that Union Jacks are appearing everywhere, even places it seemed previously unnecessary to have them, and applauds the new laws which will help make a success of Brexit.

“A freephone number will be unveiled shortly so customers can report any retailers not adhering to these simple new guidelines, especially sellers of Scottish, Welsh and Cornish flags.”

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