ASLEEP AWAY FROM THE WHEEL : We all know that plenty of sleep is necessary for a healthy immune system and Global Britons can work those zero hours contracts reassured that their prime minister’s immune system is in tip top shape.
“He’s spending the next few days preparing for the cold and fly battle ahead, the Battle of the Sniffles, if you will,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “I am personally encouraging this. While he is away I will dismantle the judiciary, so you can rest assured the work of governing for opaquely funded, American libertarian billionaires continues apace. The country will be ready for the asset fire sales of 2021, mismanagement of the country’s defences against a global pandemic can only assist in that.”
But while many will be reassured that all those billions from across the pond have brought the right people to the top, some are suggesting that the Prime Minister should chair a Cobra meeting before his holiday, just in case a plane load of achoo’s arrive in his absence.
“Nanny state nonsense,” the source countered, “the will of the people is for Boris Johnson to do what he does best, shirk his responsibilities and let functionaries do the heavy lifting, and make him look like he’s paying attention to anything other than his own selfish pleasures and personal advancement. It’s worked well this far.”
So there’s nothing to worry about. As you trundle in and out of the workplaces in overcrowded trains and buses, eyeball to eyeball with other Global Britons, just make sure you’ve some hand sanitiser on you. Once you get out of the carriage and can raise your arms again, give your hands a good scrub. And be sure to breathe out everything you breathed in.
“Don’t worry about old Al,” the source added, “he’s not worrying about you. He’s getting his beauty sleep. We’re not preparing for a global pandemic by talking about Boris Johnson having another holiday. Sometimes it just feels that way.”