Brits advised “use toilet paper stockpiles as body wrappings to thwart zombies” during apocalypse

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

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