WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON : Home Secretary and cheerleader of foreign militaries, Priti Patel, has announced she has set up a “task force” to look into the “baffling and escalating” levels of truancy in British schools.
“I have full confidence that the Home Office’s Task Force Truant will find out which families are encouraging their children to skip school. Once the guilty are identified measures will be taken,” Ms Patel said, with her best serious face, before smiling.
While it’s currently a closely guarded secret who is on the task force, and how many are involved, the level of truancy is out in the open for all to see. People are suddenly very brazen about it.
“This time last year there were no truants,” Ms Patel continued, “but during the later half of March and through April there have now been three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand students skipping school. Personally, I blame the parents.”
What sanctions the guilty parties will face, once identified, are also clear.
“Deportation,” Ms Patel beamed, “perhaps the best English word ever invented. It’s my favourite. Capital is second. Punishment third. My favourite colour is of course blue. And everyone knows my favourite number.”
But it wasn’t all bad news, Ms Patel has a secret army of left leaning male fans on Twitter, some of whom have confessed to thinking she’s hot, and she has a number of Home Office successes to trumpet.
“Shoplifting has fallen through the floor, relative to last year, when there was no Coronavirus. So too high street attacks by Great White Sharks and deaths by lightning strikes on Ben Nevis.”
All can feel confident that with the disgraced former Minister for International Development overseeing Task Force Truant, that success is assured.
“It’s funny, isn’t it,” Ms Patel is reported to have mused, “once upon a time being caught running a private foreign policy agenda with a foreign military would have seen you thrown out of politics, your political party and never again be in government. But these days? The modern Conservative Party has gone back to traditional politics. Which is something I personally smile a lot about. There’s absolutely no harm to the democratic institutions of the United Kingdom by allowing gross misdeeds in public office to go unpunished.”
To smirk or not to smirk? There’s only one answer to that question.