CLUSTERFARK : THE UK GOVERNMENT has responded today to criticisms of its PPE procurement process after imaginative revelations that it accidentally shipped 400K British blue passports to Turkey, instead of returning the 400K substandard medical gowns it bought in a hurry.
“The outcome isn’t important,” the government’s power animal, Chris Grayling, told LCD Views, “what matters is the headline on the day and how much public money gets shifted into private pockets.”
It’s rumoured the purchase of both the gowns and the accidental shipment of passports were all part of a mad scheme cooked up by a complete and total genius.
“Do you know how much it costs at the moment ferrying huge shipments back and forth? Massive. Get yourself into transport. Boom sector right now. Put the house on it. We knew the gowns were actually kid’s nurses outfits when we ordered them. We never intended to do anything but send them back. It was the headline on the day that mattered. PPE TO THE RESCUE AS JOHNSON FLIES IN GOWNS FROM TURKISH DELIGHT WORD SALAD RELYING ON SHORT ATTENTION SPANS.”
But how the blue passports ended up in Ankara is a different matter, surely?
“Not at all. Do you want to talk about the 10’s of 1000’s of deaths that could have been avoided if you weren’t governed by light weight con men? I don’t! Let’s demand our passports back! They’re symbols of our sovereignty. Outrageous!”
And the genius wheeze has a further twist.
“That bloody Starmer will probably raise the issue of the passports next week at PMQs. But we’ve a plan for how Boris Johnson can play that inswinger.”