World beating : programme to test, trace and isolate Boris Johnson’s lies to employ 25,000 by June 1st

UNEMPLOYMENT? WHAT UNEMPLOYMENT? : THE UK is about to enter the greatest economic crisis since the last greatest economic crisis, but that doesn’t mean everyone needs to be out of work.

LCD Views has received word that there is to be a new programme to test, trace and isolate the lies of Prime Minister Boris Johnson. And it is surprisingly being launched by the government.

“Well he’s got to get ahead of the curve,” a source inside Downing Street told LCD Views, “slowly, but surely, reality is finally intervening in the long con. It’s doing so by erecting fields of tombstones. Which sadly shows just how low the UK as a whole has allowed itself to sink. But that’s not important. What is important is seeing off that girly swot at PMQs, on the rare occasions that parliament is open. And having robust bluster ready in case any formally friendly journalist writes something frightening, ie factual.”

Clearly of concern, as we enter the new age of Global Britain, is the longevity of Mr Johnson’s startling career.

By the way, you can recognise Global Britain from the Space Station, it’s the frantic, shrinking place chasing its tail off the coast of mainland Europe. Thank you very much Brexiters.

“Who knows what will come back to bite Al on the arse now that the damage he’s done is viral? Maybe it was a mistake to play with herd immunity? Maybe wiping out the relatives and friends of your supporters was a misstep? Even the Telegraph is starting to publish testy articles. Although that’s probably just a desperate attempt to do ‘a journalism’ again before it goes out of business. Oh, and having an effective official opposition again doesn’t hurt. Where the hell did that come from? Total bolt out of the blue.”

The tracers will have their work set out for them, with government BS currently propagating at an exponential rate within the body politic.

But critics of the scheme have pointed out that a new mass programme isn’t necessary.

“It’s just another egregious waste of public funds. It’s a private contract which will shift taxpayer money into the pockets of the government’s chums, and it is completely unnecessary.”

What would you suggest takes its place?

“A simple test that anyone can perform,” the critics suggest, “is the Prime Minister’s mouth moving? If yes, he’s lying. It’s just common sense.”

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